The Encarta® World English Dictionary defines “abandon” as: “to leave somebody or something behind for others to look after, especially somebody or something meant to be a personal responsibility.”
As adults, our own wellbeing is our personal responsibility.
Do you abandon yourself, instead making others responsible for you, and then feel abandoned by others when they leave you or don’t take responsibility for you?
As an adult, another person cannot abandon you, since they are not responsible for you. We can abandon a child, an ill person or an old person – someone who cannot take care of themselves. But if you are a physically healthy adult, you can be left, but you cannot be abandoned by others. Only you can abandon you.
What are the ways you might be abandoning yourself?
How often do you judge yourself with comments to yourself such as:
“You are not good enough.” “You are inadequate.” “You are stupid.” “You are an idiot.” “You are ugly.” “You are not attractive enough.” “If you fail you are not okay.” “If someone rejects you, you are not okay.” “It’s all your fault that….” “You will never amount to anything. You are a failure. You are not reaching your potential.”
…and so on.
Just as a small child feels alone and abandoned when a parent is harsh and judgmental, so our own inner child feels alone and abandoned when you judge yourself. Self judgment not only creates inner feelings of aloneness and emptiness, but it also creates feelings of anxiety, depression, anger, hurt, fear, guilt and shame. Then what do you do when you have judged yourself and created all these painful feelings?
Ignoring Your Feelings
When you feel alone, empty, anxious, depressed, hurt, angry, jealous, sad, fearful, guilty or shamed – what do you do? Do you attend to your feelings, exploring what YOU are telling yourself or doing to cause them? Or do you avoid them with some form addictive behavior, using food, alcohol, drugs, nicotine, TV, work, shopping, Internet, sex, anger, blame, and so on to avoid them?
When you ignore your feelings and instead turn to addictive behavior, you are again abandoning yourself. Once you have abandoned yourself, it is very common to project this self-abandonment onto others and feel abandoned by people or by God. Yet, as a physically healthy adult, the feeling of abandonment is being caused by you, just as most of your other painful feelings are being caused by you.
Making Others Responsible for You
Once you judge yourself and then ignore the pain you have caused, it is quite likely that you then turn to others for the love and approval that you are not giving to yourself. Your inner child – the feeling part of you – needs love, approval, and attention. When you abandon yourself with your self-judgments and ignoring your feelings, the wounded child part of you turns to others for the love you need. Because the child part of you is desperately needy for love, you likely become manipulative to get that love – getting angry and blaming, or becoming overly nice or compliant and trying to do everything right. You have handed your inner child away to others for adoption, hoping another person will give you the love you so desperately need. You become addicted to approval, attention, and/or sex.
The more you make others responsible for giving you the love, attention and approval you need, the more your inner child feels abandoned, leading to more addictive behavior to fill the emptiness and avoid the pain of your self-abandonment.
The way out of this is to start to pay attention to your feelings – to put your attention inside your body instead of always focusing outside. The moment you feel badly, notice what you are thinking or doing that is causing your pain. Your painful feelings that come from your thoughts are your inner guidance system’s way of letting you know that what you are thinking is not true, and is not in your highest good.
Ask the highest part of yourself, “What is the truth?” Notice how you feel when you attend to your feelings and tell yourself the truth rather than judge yourself, ignore yourself, and make others responsible for your feelings.
|About Author Margaret Paul, Ph.D. :|
Margaret Paul, Ph.D., best-selling author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You” and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. FREE Inner Bonding course at: <a href="http://www.innerbonding.com" target="_blank">http://www.innerbonding.com</a>. Phone sessions available. mailto:firstname.lastname@example.org.
Article Source: https://www.bharatbhasha.com
Article Url: https://www.bharatbhasha.com/self_improvement.php/57837
Article Added on Tuesday, March 6, 2007
|Other Articles by Margaret Paul, Ph.D.|
Core Sadness Vs Wounded Sadness
Very often, in my work with my clients, when I ask them what they are feeling they say, I feel sad. Often, they do not know why they feel sad.
Sadness comes from two very different sources.
Core sadness is sadness that is in reaction to something that is happening or has happened externally. Many life situations can cause sadness, such as:
* Loss: loss of people (through death or leaving), loss of a job and financial security, loss of a beloved pet, loss of face through...
Healing The Abandonment Wounds
by: Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
I have counseled individuals, couples, families and business partners for the past 35 years and authored eight published books. Every individual I’ve worked with has had some abandonment wound to heal, and most relationship problems stem from abandonment wounds.
It is not possible to grow up in our society without some abandonment wounds. The following are some of the ways it can occur:
Being torn away from mother at birth and put into a nursery.
Addiction to Being All Together
I often have the experience of someone showing up at one of my 5-day Intensives and presenting themselves as all together, or fine.
I'm not sure why I'm here, they state. I really don't know what to work on. I've been through years of therapy and to a ton of workshops and I'm doing great. I guess I just want to see what goes on here.
Hummm, I think to myself. I doubt you spent all this money just to see what goes on here. I wonder what you are hiding from?
Jerry is one of these people who...
Moving Beyond Emotional Dependency
Are you ready to be your own person? Are you ready to move beyond neediness and into emotional freedom? Are you ready to stop needing others to make you feel that you are okay? Are you ready to learn to fill yourself with love and define your own worth?
I hope so! Being emotionally dependent is a very hard way to live.
When you are emotionally dependent, you set yourself up to be a victim of others' choices. If others are loving and caring, then you feel good, but if others are rejecting,...
I Feel Empty
If you feel empty, you are not alone in feeling this way.
Many people feel empty inside, and most people who feel empty have some deep false beliefs regarding why they feel empty. Below are some of these false beliefs.
I feel empty because:
• My partner is not giving me enough love and attention.
• I don't have a partner.
• I'm bored because my partner doesn't provide me with enough stimulation.
• My work is unsatisfying.
• I'm not successful enough.
• I don't have enough...
Alcoholism And Healing
Jeffrey showed up at one of my 5-Day Inner Bonding Intensives to deal with his alcoholism and resulting relationship problems. His past two marriages had ended in messy divorces. His business was falling apart. Yet in the face of all of this, Jeffrey could not or would not stop drinking.
Two things were immediately apparent in my first session with Jeffrey. First, he had completely abandoned himself, making others responsible for his self-worth. Due to his unwillingness to take responsibility...
Healing Social Phobia
WHAT IS SOCIAL PHOBIA?
Social phobia - or social anxiety - is the fear of interacting with others in various situations: groups, work, school, parties, on the telephone, in a market or store, and so on. People with social phobia experience extreme anxiety or panic when they know that they have to talk or interact with others. They often find themselves isolating rather than risk the rejection or ridicule that they fear.
People with social phobia may be saying things to themselves such as:
Parenting Emotional Incest
Jacob, a participant in one of my telephone support groups, was exploring the fact that he generally didn't like to be touched. He was sharing with the group a situation that used to happen with his mother.
She used to sit me on the couch with her and grab my arms and look intently into my eyes, telling me how much she loved me and how important to her I was. I don't know exactly how to describe what I felt when she did that.
Was it a yucky feeling? asked Sarah, another participant.
The Power of Tears
Those who do not know how to weep with their whole heart don't know how to laugh either. - Golda Meir
Do you have a lid on your tears? Do you also have a hard time laughing with your whole body?
Our tears are a God-given way of expressing sadness, just as laughter is a God-given way of expressing fun and joy. Both laughter and tears release stress in loving ways, rather than having to release it through anger or through holding it in your body, which can eventually cause physical pain and...
Emotional Dependency Vs Emotional Freedom
WHAT IS EMOTIONAL DEPENDENCY?
Lydia consulted with me because her relationship with her husband, Andrew, was falling apart. Andrew had moved out, stating that he could no longer tolerate Lydia's neediness and constant pull on him to make her feel loved and secure.
Now that they were separated, Lydia's emotional dependency was getting even worse. She was deeply addicted to Andrew making her feel better, if only through a brief text message.
Lydia believed that her feelings of safety, worth,...
|Click here to see More Articles by Margaret Paul, Ph.D.