Addiction to Complaining by Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
The following article is offered for free use in your ezine, print publication or on your web site, so long as the author resource box at the end is included, with hyperlinks. Notification of publication would be appreciated.
For other articles which you are free to use, see http://www.innerbonding.com
Title: Addiction to Complaining
Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
Copyright: © 2005 by Margaret Paul
Word Count: 723
Category: Self Improvement
Addiction to Complaining
By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
Complaining is a way of life for some people. It was certainly a way of life for my mother. I donít remember a day going by without her complaining, endlessly. I donít think I ever heard a word of gratitude out of my motherís mouth. No matter how good things were, she would manage to find something wrong. No matter how perfect I was Ė and God knows I tried to be perfect! Ė she always found something wrong with me, as well as with my father.
Over the years of counseling others, Iíve noticed that some people start every session with a complaint. They canít seem to help it. Like my mother, they are addicted to complaining.
Why do people complain? What is it they want or hope for when they complain?
People who complain are generally people who have not done the emotional and spiritual work of developing a loving, compassionate inner adult self. They are operating as a wounded child in need of love, attention and compassion. Because they have not learned to give themselves the attention and compassion they need, they seek to get these needs met by others. Complaining is a way they have learned to attempt to get this. They use complaining as a form of control, hoping to guilt others into giving them the attention, caring and compassion they seek.
Complaining is a ďpullĒ on other people. Energetically, complainers are pulling on others for caring and understanding because they have emotionally abandoned themselves. They are like demanding little children. The problem is that most people dislike being pulled on and demanded of. Most people donít want emotional responsibility for another person and will withdraw in the face of anotherís complaints.
This is what my father did. He withdrew, shut down, was emotionally unavailable to my mother as a way to protect himself from being controlled by her complaints. Of course, he didnít just do this in response to my mother. He had learned to withdraw as a child in response to his own motherís complaints and criticism. He entered the marriage ready to withdraw in the face of my motherís pull, while she entered the marriage ready to make my father emotionally responsible for her. A perfect match!
My fatherís withdrawal, of course, only served to exacerbate my motherís complaining, and she constantly complained about my fatherís lack of caring about her. Likewise, my motherís complaining served to exacerbate my fatherís already withdrawn way of being. This vicious circle started early and continued unabated for the 60 years of their marriage, until my mother died.
While my parents loved each other, their ability to express their love got buried beneath the dysfunctional system they created. Unfortunately, this is all too common in relationships. One person pulling Ė with complaints, anger, judgment, and other forms of control - and the other withdrawing, is the most common relationship system I work with.
A person addicted to complaining will not be able to stop complaining until he or she does the inner work of developing an adult part of themselves capable of giving themselves the love, caring, understanding and compassion they need. As long as they believe that it is anotherís responsibility to be the adult for them and fill them with love, they will not take on this responsibility for themselves.
Our inner child Ė the feeling part of us Ė needs attention, approval, caring. If we donít learn to give this to ourselves, then this wounded child part of ourselves will either seek to get it from others, or learn to numb out with substance and process addictions Ė food, alcohol, drugs, TV, work, gambling, and so on. If, as a child, a person saw others get attention through complaining Ė as my mother did with my grandmother Ė and if complaining worked for the child to get what he or she wanted, then it can become an addiction. Like all addictions, it may work for the moment, but it will never fill the deep inner need for love. Only we can fill this need for ourselves, by opening our hearts to the Source of love. Only we can do the inner work of developing a loving adult capable of opening to the love of Spirit and bringing that love to the child within. People stop complaining when they learn to fill themselves with love.
|About Author Margaret Paul, Ph.D. :|
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" and ďHealing Your Aloneness.Ē She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or mailto:firstname.lastname@example.org. Phone Sessions Available.
Article Source: https://www.bharatbhasha.com
Article Url: https://www.bharatbhasha.com/psychology.php/22064
|Other Articles by Margaret Paul, Ph.D.|
Are You Love Addicted
Imagine that you have a little child - a son or daughter, but that you are only 15 years old. How are you going to feel about this child? There is a good possibility that you will feel that this child is a burden, limiting your freedom. You will likely feel that the child is too demanding, needing too much from you. You may want to go out and have fun and not be tied down to this child.
Is this how you feel about your own inner child - your own feelings and needs? Does it feel burdensome to...
Gratitude vs Complaining
All happy people are grateful. Ungrateful people cannot be happy. We tend to think that being unhappy leads people to complain, but it is truer to say that complaining leads to people becoming unhappy. - Dennis Prager
Take a moment to think about this statement. Have you ever known a happy person who wasn't grateful, or a grateful person who wasn't happy? Perhaps a way to look at this is that happiness is a result of gratitude. The wonderful thing about this is that, while we cannot always...
Are You Addicted To Your Activities
†by: Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
Activities - such as sports, creative projects, reading, work, TV, meditation - can be a wonderful way to relax, express yourself, or connect to yourself. Or they can be an addiction. How can you know the difference?
Angie would surf the channels whenever she felt stressed or alone.
Karen would lose herself in a book when things felt overwhelming.
Keith would retreat and meditate when his wife wanted to talk.
Pattyís work schedule left her little time at...
Healing Love and Approval Addiction
Are you love or approval addicted?
* Do you often feel empty inside if you are not in a relationship?
* Do you often feel empty inside even if you are in a relationship but your partner is not paying attention to you?
* Do you get anxious when a person you are dating does not contact you when you expect them to?
* Do you get anxious when your partner goes out of town?
* Do you tend to ruminate/obsess about what your partner or someone you are dating is thinking or doing?
* Do you get...
Addiction to Distractions
When we were growing up, we experienced many life situations that caused us deep heartbreak. Any time we lost someone we loved, or we were yelled at, ridiculed, shamed, ignored, not seen or connected with, physically or sexually abused, or treated in any other unloving ways, our little hearts broke. But we could not manage this intense heartbreak, so we had to learn various addictive ways of managing the feeling. We might have learned to eat, to dissociate from our body and live in our head, to...
Addiction to Gossip
A member of Inner Bonding Village asked the following question:
I'm a little confused. My mother is visiting me, and sometimes we have a nice time together. But often her way of bonding with me or anyone else is to talk about other people's problems. Most of the time I find it draining. It feels like she is never happy and uses her 'caring' and problem solving abilities to avoid something else.
The questioner's understanding of this situation may be exactly what is happening - his mother is...
Addiction to Blame
†by: Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
Allen consulted with me because his wife of 18 years had threatened to leave him if he didnít stop blaming her all the time. He admitted to frequently blaming her in a variety of situations. He blamed her if he thought she made a mistake, if he thought she was wrong about something, if he was feeling alone, or even if he had a bad day at work. He blamed her for asking him questions when he didnít know the answer. He would sometimes even blame her if his golf game...
Addiction to Clutter
†by: Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
Clutter is a big problem for many people. At a lecture that I gave, I asked for a show of hands regarding how many people had problems with clutter and disorganization. I was surprised to find that at least half the people raised their hands.
One of my clients told me that she was trying to help her sister get back on her feet after her sister had been laid up with an illness and lost her job. Her sisterís house had always been a mess, and had become so filled...
Addiction to Worry
†by: Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
Carole started counseling with me because she was depressed. She had been ill with chronic fatigue syndrome for a long time and believed her depression was due to this. In the course of our work together, she became aware that her depression was actually coming from her negative thinking - Carole was a constant worrier. Many words out of her mouth centered around her concerns that something bad might happen. ďWhat if I never get well?Ē ďWhat if my husband gets...
Two Choices That can Make Next Year The Best Year of Your Life
†by: Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
What if there were just two choices you could make to insure that next year would be wonderful? There actually are, and these choices are quite simple in concept, yet not easy to do. They are not things you do on the outside, such as exercising your body (which is always a good thing to do!) but ways of thinking and being on the inside. These have to do with your attitude and your intent.
Iím sure youíve all heard of the ďattitude of...
|Click here to see More Articles by Margaret Paul, Ph.D.