The first thing to come to mind at this moment is this saying: Fear is Faith inverted. I think there's a lot of truth to that.
I have a lot of faith and it's carried me through some of the rockiest times of my life. But, I'm human and I feel, cut, bleed and cry like the rest of us. And, no matter how much faith I have, there are those moments when I simply "lose it" and am scared out of my mind. It feels like all my faith is gone.
Thank God that after these moments, I sense the gentle hand of God calming me down and I know that everything is going to work out…somehow.
But, why can't I just have faith all the time and avoid those moments where I can't give my life to God completely? Why do I sometimes get paralyzed with fear?
I don't know. I guess it's because I just haven't learned to do it yet. I wonder if anyone ever can? Are there people out there who are so confident and full of faith that they never become fearful?
I'm not one of them.
The other day we found out that a family member has cancer. At least that's the first call the doctor who did the examination made. As far as I am concerned, the jury is still out until the biopsy results come in.
I prayed and prayed and am still praying. I am visualizing the body healing itself through the light of Christ and I am boldly asking for a miracle. Why not? I have the right to, just like anyone else. The thing about miracles is this: you have to believe in them for them to happen. I do, and I am not afraid to ask for one because I've gotten over the "I don't deserve to ask for one" stage of my life. God wants me to ask, He wants to give and He wants me to believe that He can and will help. So, I asked for one.
However, fear lures is ugly head once again and I find myself alone and crying. I am saying, "God, please help me to be strong. Please—help—me."
Another family member, my Dad, is scheduled for an echocardiogram. Wait a minute! My Dad? An echocardiogram? No, this can't be. He's my father! No, he can't have a heart problem. No way. He's the guy who plays the piano like there's no tomorrow and is my musical hero. He's the guy I gigged with for the first time at sixteen. He's active. People love him.
God, what's happening?
I am afraid again.
Where'd my faith go? Is it still there? If it is, why am I so full of fear? It's too much at once, God.
I need your help. Please help turn my fear into faith. Please help me to take comfort in You.
God, please help me walk the walk and not just talk the talk.
And then I realize that it's okay to be afraid. It's normal. If I weren't ever scared, I don't think I'd be human.
And through that fear comes faith. It's a metamorphosis of sorts. If not for the fear, I wouldn't turn to God for help. That act of turning IS faith.
© Ellen M. DuBois
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