•All That Flapping About Has To Stop
All That Flapping About Has To Stop by Holmes Charnley What a pleasant man that Rick Stein is. Only the other night, as I tucked into Mrs Holmes’ latest offering and flicked through the channels before settling down with his show (yes, another TV dinner) was I really made aware of this.Pleasant-ish anyway. He seems a little heavy handed with his ingredients at times -when they’re still alive- for my taste but I’m not overly worried by this. I think that’s just twinges on my part because I’m...
•Asylum Seekers: Now With Wings
Asylum Seekers: Now With Wings by Holmes Charnley It seems inconceivable that a bird table could lead to thoughts about asylum seeking, but this seems to be the case.It all started innocently enough, of course. With winter now upon us, I thought it would be a nice idea to buy a bird table, to bring back memories of a childhood where my parents stuck some bacon rind up on a branch, bought me the Observer’s Book of Birds and left me to it. Whichever hobby they decided on for me, there was...
•Cars: What makes them go?
Cars: What makes them go? by Holmes Charnley Sutton Park in that delightful industrial Mecca that is Birmingham always makes me think of seeds. Sutton's Seeds. I lack the fundamental basics when it comes to knowledge of cars, their engines, what makes them go. I put the key in the ignition, I turn it and if it doesn't work, I'll calmly get out and try the key in another car's ignition. Only joking. Basically, if it doesn't work, I'll shrug, get out, stick out my thumb and get a lift with...
•Glastonbury Festival History: Losing the Main Stage
Glastonbury Festival History: Losing the Main Stage by Holmes Charnley Now then, the wonders of quagmires are a treat I have never encountered. I had the uncanny ability, as a youth, to attend Europe's premier music festival twice, and both times I stumbled upon a West Country heat wave. Yes, it's true; yours truly enjoyed the warmth of the sun and the cider tent on both occasions whilst at Glastonbury. For the purpose of what I have to say here, I am going to concentrate on just the one...
•I nearly Drove the Ruddy Fire Engine Myself
I nearly Drove the Ruddy Fire Engine Myself by Holmes Charnley Now then, those visitors already familiar with some of the other articles on the site will know that, yes, I found love last year, but it involved me taking on the role as step dad. I wasn't really up for that, to be honest. It can be best summed up as: I fell in love but at a cost. I was a bachelor boy and I don't mean in the way that Sir Cliff ruddy Richard is. No, that's just unnatural and deeply disturbing bachelorhood (!) I...
•Is Google The New Graham Norton?
Is Google The New Graham Norton? by Holmes Charnley Inevitably - and it doesn’t really matter in which genre of the media you appear - overkill can lead to a backlash. Graham Norton, for example, started out as a cheeky Irishman who happened to be homosexual. But now he just seems too gay. He acts like an E 120-addled leprechaun, perpetually tumescent, and until recently, perpetually on our screens. But of course, as I’ve said, overkill exists elsewhere and Google is no exception. With its...
•My Blood Pressure Was Fine Throughout (The state of the NHS)
My Blood Pressure Was Fine Throughout (The state of the NHS) by Holmes Charnley Ah, well, now, wasn’t that all very pleasant, eh? A few alco-pops to celebrate a year with my sweetheart, yes, an anniversary in other words, and, ooh, I feel a bit sick all of a sudden, and, oh, heck, I seem to be spewing black blood down the pan. Hmmm. Not so good after all. Well, hmmm, uh, I guess, well, I know, I’ll just pretend that didn’t happen and maybe all will be ok. Well, actually, no, I ought to tell...
•Nagging Doubts
Nagging Doubts by Holmes Charnley There's always that nagging doubt isn't there? The nagging doubt that they just won't get it. I went to the Post Office yesterday, the small local one round the corner, to draw a relatively large amount of money out of my account. Whilst in the queue, I saw a packet of refill cartridges going cheap. Half-price. Which in consequence meant it was around 50p to keep an ink pen running for a good year or so. Thinking they might come in handy, I procured some and...
•Nosebags in the corner and tears in our eyes
Nosebags in the corner and tears in our eyes by Holmes Charnley“What have you given me!” she recoiled. I sat there in the passenger seat, suddenly feeling ill at ease as sweetheart swerved to avoid the taste in her mouth. How quickly my attempt at romance had resulted in embarrassment. It was all quite scary really. All I’d given her was an Opal Fruit. One of the purple ones. I chewed smugly on my strawberry one, much milder, safe in the knowledge that I wouldn’t encounter citric anguish.To...
•The Ley Lines of a Semi-Retired Drainage System
The Ley Lines of a Semi-Retired Drainage System by Holmes Charnley There seems to be at times, a fine line between enthusiasm and frenzied delight, and with Miranda Krestovnikoff, who presents BBC 2’s Hidden Treasure, that line is all too frequently blurred.Still, perhaps I’m being a little too hard on the poor girl. After all, it’s her enthusiasm that caused me to go out the other day and buy a metal detector. I’d like to think that I’m the only one to have done this, at least in my town,...
•Three colors, six tenuous links
Three colors, six tenuous links by Holmes CharnleyIt was Christmas Eve last year that the car carrier, Tricolor, was issued with a wreck removal notice. Having been crashed into by a ship trying to overtake it, it has been lying there a wreck ever since. I know how it must have felt.I was issued with a wreck removal notice on Christmas Eve also. I felt a wreck, that much is true. I’d been at that vodka the night before, the one that had made the local papers because it was dangerously wrong,...
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