Psychological Help for Patients Victimized by Intimate Partners: A Clinical Advocacy Model
When the family wants the patient sick, treatment and recovery are impossible. This is the way it usually appears for all practical purposes. Family members' defenses protect interpersonal and intergenerational dysfunction...unless the patient is internally inspired and externally supported to break the cycle.
As clinicians we know the patient's resistance is an integral part of the psychotherapeutic change process. And in the context of therapy we learn to work with it. We use it to create...
Healing Parental Alienation Abuse - Lost, Kidnapped Child as Trauma or as Love
Is your lost, kidnapped child your trauma or your love? Your answer to this question is the cornerstone to your healing the trauma of parental alienation abuse.
I was stunned into an appreciation of the trauma replacing love as I was watching Private Practice last night. Violet had suffered her unborn child having been ripped from her womb by one of her mentally ill patientsa violation like none other.
And then she could not bond with this baby. It was as though her trauma took over the...
Battered Women - When Mature Women Leave Abusive Relationships
"Dr. King, speak to how it is for the mature woman in an abusive relationship and how it is for her when she leaves," writes a reader.
My knee jerk response to this request was, "the dynamics are the same." Battering is battering is battering. An abuse dynamic that is long standing or discovered later in life resembles an abuse dynamic earlier in life.
If it is, indeed, "intimate partner violence," it will carry all of the defining characteristics of: controlling and possessive behavior,...
Readiness Assessment - How Do You Know When Someone Can Benefit from Psychotherapy?
? The patient's partner asks, "How do I know she can benefit from psychotherapy?" And I'm honored to have the answer roll right out of me.
This is a question that many family members have once they reach that point of doubt. You know what I mean. Doubt that the patient will be anything other than what they are.
It is also a question I get from the family members that are entangled co-dependently with the identified patient. It is the question of someone with resistance of their own....
Legal Domestic Abuse - The Reality of Family Violence and Institutionalized Abuse
When domestic abuse survivors show up in the system to protect their children and themselves from family violence, they can unknowingly step into "institutionalized abuse." This is especially true when they rely on family court to provide remedy for domestic violence.
What Is Institutionalized Abuse?
Institutionalized abuse is where one person willfully, openly and legally is taking advantage of and violating the rights and liberties of another person...all while being paid.
People...
Legal Psychiatric/Psychological Abuse - From Family to Court, from Court to Shrink
A survivor asks, "Once your abusive partner has used the legal system for further abuse, and final papers are filed with you having to see a psychologist of his choosing, what do you do? How do you turn the case around? He continues to threaten to take the children away."
When you are in this situation, it feels like something went "wrong." You ask yourself, "How is it that I'm the victim/survivor and I'm having to defend myself and prove my mental/emotional stability." Right?
If you are in...
Shedding Domestic Violence Survivor Habits: Who's Fault Is It?
? Most of the time what people do to us is not about us; it's all about them. But, when on the receiving end, we don't see it that way. We assume it is because of us.
This is especially true of domestic violence survivors, who have become accustomed to believing other people's actions toward them are their fault. It's part of the indoctrination of intimate partner violence: "You made me do it." "You made me say it, feel it, think it..."
Domestic Abuse Survivor Faulty Thinking
If you are a...
Healing from Domestic Abuse - How to Know if You Will Avoid Another Abusive Relationship
People say once a victim, always a victim. I beg to differ.
Over the years I have been watching men and women grow to become self-sufficient, self-respecting people who have no tolerance for being abused any more. These people have completely healed from domestic abuse.
How do you know if you are going to be one of these people versus the person that ends up in another abusive relationship? Here are some pointers for knowing you're home free when it comes to being victimized by intimate...
Spousal Legal Abuse -- Sticks and Stones in Family Court
I hear battered women's outrage over what their opposition says about them in divorce court. They take it to heart and integrate the slanderous comments as though they really are the picture painted by the other side.
Best part of it is they usually are not correct in their assumptions and beliefs. Part of my job then becomes helping them awaken to this...and, of course, become enlightened warriors during the warfare and thereafter.
If you are a domestic violence survivor in divorce court...
Domestic Abuse Survivors - Obtaining Inner and Outer Wealth after Your Abusive Relationship
"How does a woman that has been out of the workforce for 20 years get the training and job skills that are needed to reenter the workforce, as well as overcome the emotional issues related to a lack of self-worth? And further, how is this done in the current employment environment?"
I hear this question over and over again. So let's break it up into its obvious three parts and offer you an answer.
1) How do you acquire the training and skills to reenter the workforce?
Let's say you are...
Legal Abuse - Does the System Not Work, or Do You Not Know How to Work the System?
? Battered women and uninformed bystanders frequently say that the system doesn't work. While it may not be perfect, it most certainly works. The real problem is most people don't know how to work the system.
Domestic abuse survivors go to divorce court expecting it to remedy abuse. Well, that's like going to your gynecologist when you have a toothache. Your OBGYN is not trained in, nor equipped to, treat problems with your teeth.
And in the same way the divorce court is not the legal venue...
Psychological Legal Abuse - When Your Psychotherapy Is the Victim
We all know that when we see a victim of domestic abuse, there are other people impacted by this person's victimization. Some are affected directly, some indirectly, some intentionally and some inadvertently.
Now if you've read my writings, you know I address the impact of intimate partner violence on survivors, on children, on batterers in divorce, and on the healthcare providers employed.
Come with me and let's look closer at the impact of this dynamic on your therapy. Let's say you and...
Domestic Abuse Help - Why Marital Therapy Is Not the Treatment of Choice
Battered women, who have not yet declared themselves as domestic violence victims, but know that their partners are abusive, have many questions when it comes to therapy.
Often they want to see a therapist with their partner in hopes to remedy the marriage. However, marital therapy is the worst thing they can do for their marriage and for themselves. Here's why...
What You Can Expect from Your Partner in Marital Therapy
1) If your partner is charming, assertive, manipulative and...
Domestic Violence Counseling: When the Counselor Becomes Your Enemy
I often hear domestic violence survivors complain that the counselor they are seeing with their partner has sided with him/her. These victims expected to seek therapeutic remedy for the dysfunction that they live, and they discover they have gained another "enemy."
Here are some things you will want to know if you are going to a therapist with your partner for domestic abuse.
1) Expect the therapy to be fertile ground for a continuation of what you experience in the privacy of your own home....
Mothers Without Custody: Grieving the Loss of Your Stolen Children
One of the most crippling life losses is the loss of a child to legal domestic abuse. Routinely, we are approached by women denied access to their children and grandchildren because of the whim of former abusive partners or family members.
The pain they bear is beyond words. So, I won't pretend to suggest we can actually capture the depths of their despair in this article. But I will tell you some of what they say and of what I know firsthand.
1) At first, there is the utter disbelief. "How...
Healing from Emotional Abuse: Mastering Mind-Emotion-Body Connection in Healing for Emotional Abuse
The mind-emotion-body connection is something some of us take for granted, while others remain in awe. I do both.
Now here is a little psychological insight that will open doors for your recovery from psychological, mental and emotional abuse.
Go ahead and get your coffee or herbal tea because we're going to have another one of those psychological conversations.
Thought-Emotion-Physiology
When a little thought registers in our mindswhen we intentionally or unconsciously think a...
Domestic Violence Survivor's Health: 7 Secrets for Successful Weight Management for Abuse Survivors
We hear it all the time: "You're too fat." "Your hair is too short, too long, you're a dummy, you're too fat, you can't, you won't, you shouldn't, you're too fat!" Sound familiar.
It's no wonder that domestic abuse survivors develop dysfunctional relationships with their bodies and unhealthy eating habits. Far be it for him to see me enjoying a candy bar...so I'll sneak it in and have it while alone in my car.
As one survivor shared, pulling out that snickers in the privacy of her car was...
Abusive Relationships and Self-Care: The Impact of Meditation on Abusive Relationships
If you want to know if your partner is a classic abuser, learn meditation and do your practice when it fits into your life, rather than when he/she is around.
Here's what you will discover. Your partner will not be able to tolerate the fact that you may be having a marvelous time: a) in his/her absence, and b) in your solitude.
So he/she will be knocking at the door, interrupting your practice. He/She may demand to have the conversation that you longed to have days and weeks before. He/She...
Leaving an Abusive Relationship - What You Must Know to Leave an Abusive Relationship Safely
Often times we hear that leaving an abuser, can be deadly. According to FBI reports 75% of all homicides by intimate male partners occurred after the victim left.
Battered women are far more vulnerable to physical attack as well as attacks to their personal privacy, their civil liberties and their parental rights after they leave. Now you might ask why.
Why are battered women at greater danger when they leave?
When a victim leaves an abusive relationship and moves out, the mere physical...
Family Violence Healing - Writing about a Mother's Nightmare of Abuse Beyond Control
Where did you get the where-with-all to write your book (All But My Soul) people continue to ask seven years after its publication. This question has been presented to me so many times, I'm compelled to give you the answer in this article.
I didn't write it; it wrote itself. Now I know that sounds ridiculous on face value, but that's actually what did indeed happen. Here's how.
Why I Wrote All But My Soul
First, I've known since the 80's through studying the work of James Pennebaker, Ph.D....
After the Abusive Relationship - Long-Term Aid for Domestic Abuse Survivors
Do what you're called to do and the universe will support you. You've probably heard this, but may be scratching your head thinking about your bills, responsibilities and all of the what ifs...
This is understandable. So rather than jump in with blind faith, I want to invite your everyday casual, rational mind to do what you're called to do. And then, address the missing link domestic abuse survivors commonly bring to the table.
Doing What You're Called to Do Is Your JOB
When you're doing...
Identifying an Abusive Relationship: The Power of a Diagnosis in Ending Domestic Abuse
The value of the diagnostic label has more to do with the way it impacts the person with the condition than anything else.
Can you remember a time in your life when you had a medical condition and you received a diagnosis that immediately lifted the weight off your shoulders and sent you to remedy your condition. My sense is the "propelling one into remedy" can happen no matter what the diagnosis. This is what I call the power of the label.
Before we give a specific condition a name, it is a...
Healing from Emotional Abuse and the Physical Injuries of Domestic Violence
Each time I encounter the body's ability to heal itself, I'm in awe. And to witness the role of intention in this is even more mind-boggling.
As domestic violence survivors, you know the scars and wounds of battering. Did you know you can have a very active role in healing these injuries?
I'm going to insert an earlier writing of mine in which I'm reflecting on a milestone in my own process dating back to 1988, because it says it from that battered place common to domestic abuse survivors....
Healing from Domestic Violence - The Rapture and Remedy of Writing for Domestic Abuse Survivors
I notice that when people are told to write as a) a way to keep records of the ongoing abuse episodes and domestic altercations, or b) for the healing effect, they recoil.
If I didn't know better I'd think they felt as though they were getting an assignment right out of grade school. And since we know the authority issues in their lives make this rather undesirable, it is understandable why one would not want to journal. However...
Here is why this is doing oneself a disservice. If you...
Healing from Abuse - How Wakeful Rest Can Heal and Enhance Health for Domestic Violence Survivors
Tell me more about the "wakeful rest," asks my proofreader. Well certainly, I think to myself. There is nothing I'd rather talk (write) about more.
What is the wakeful rest? Ahhh, that is the magic...the gold...the sweet spot, wherein the mind and body mend.
But before I lose myself in this discussion, let's not lose site of your question. How is this relevant to me, as a domestic abuse survivor?
To answer both of these questions, I want you to know had I not been meditating over the years...
After the Abusive Relationship - Remedies for What Next: Do What You Love
Leaving an abusive relationship is more like leaving your life because often one has to walk away from their home and family and friends, simply to get their safety and well-being back. And once on the other side of the abusive relationship, many say "Now what?"
Here's What's Next: Do What You Love
Find some activity that when you do it, you long to do more of it. This is what you're "called" to do. And when you do, you not only serve yourself, you serve all those needing the answers you...
Abusive Relationship Healing - 7 Secrets for Greater Well-being after an Abusive Relationship
Adversity is part of life. It comes in all shapes and sizes. It's not what happens to you; it's what you do about it that matters most.
Battered women also come in all shapes and sizes. And I'm convinced that what they choose to do with their circumstances, after the fact, is far more important to the bigger picture of their lives than anything else.
Here are some things that will increase your well-being after an abusive relationship.
1) Keep yourself in a place of pure positive energy...
Domestic Violence Survival Tips: 3 Keys to Surviving the Conditioning in an Abusive Relationship
Understanding the conditioning that occurs in abusive relationships is key to one's survival in, and after, the relationship. Here are three keys to help you see the role and effects of conditioning in abusive relationships.
1) You did not make him/her do it or say it.
You probably know this from the core of your being, but may have trouble believing it with your thinking brain, due to the ongoing conditioning that happens in abusive relationships. With most things in the relationshipwhen...
Healing in Abusive Relationships: 7 Secrets to Successful Survival in an Abusive Relationship
Far too often, we hear individuals in abusive relationships seeking to change their partners in order to change their relationship. While it is true that a change in either person will change the overall dynamic of the relationship, changing one's partner is only an option if it is partner-self-initiated.
Rather than holding onto something that is essentially out of one's controlactually not one's businesslook to changing what is within your control and is indeed your business: yourself. In...
Abusive Relationship Healing - 5 Tips for Lifting Depression after Your Abusive Relationship
It is common knowledge that when one is beaten down, they feel beaten down. So it's no wonder that domestic abuse survivors frequently suffer from depression. We see this in individuals living in an abusive relationship, and in those having left their abuser.
What is it that makes it possible for these people to heal their depression? The following actions to avoid, and steps to take, are essential to the resolution of depression for domestic abuse survivors.
1) Stop Negative self-talk
Even...
Domestic Violence Healing - Psychophysiological Illnesses of Emotional Verbal Abuse
Migraines, irritable bowel syndrome, essential hypertension, post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), insomnia, chronic anxiety, depression are just a few of the ongoing complaints of domestic abuse survivors. And it's not surprising.
These conditions are ALL mediated by the sympathetic nervous systema system perpetually "on" for individuals whose lives are entangled in domestic abuse.
Stemming back to our caveman ancestors, we inherited a physiology that is built to protect us from the...
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